1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

4. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

5. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

6. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

7. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

8. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station. (I had to think about this one.)

9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’

11. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

16. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

17. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

18. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

19. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

20. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

21. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

22. Where there’s a will, there are relatives.

And mine is………

I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.