An agent of chaos has taken up residence in my life. In these my later years, when I had hoped to focus on living in peace and gratitude, she has pulled me into a whirling vortex of hatred and bitterness and despair. These things do not just cling to her, they emanate from the black hole of her existence, sucking away all the light of anyone who happens to wander into the corner of the universe she has claimed for herself.

Would it hurt her to know I feel this way? Maybe so. But as she claims truth to be her justification for pointing out the flaws and transgressions of every person with whom she comes into contact, perhaps I can be forgiven for wielding it as a weapon of my own.

And yet, do I truly want to employ her principles and methods of interaction so that every life I touch leaves my presence with a piece of the black cloud which hovers over me as I surrender to her will?

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hate, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon. Where there is doubt, faith. Where there despair, hope. Where there is darkness, light. Where there is sadness, joy.

In my life, I have discovered that the essence of God is love, and love is the substance of creation. It permeates and informs every single thing we see and hear and touch and taste and smell. In the things that are wonderful, we discover joy; in the things that are horrible, our joy deepens when we compare them to our blessings.

And yet I have allowed her to rob me of that peace. I have allowed it. That’s on me, not her.

My role in this life–the one in which I find myself the caretaker of said agent of chaos–is meant to be a counterweight to the heavy burden of her bitterness. Where there is hate, let me sow love.

I know how opening your eyes to the wonder and joy around you can break the hard shell of your heart and open it to let love in and out. In the right mindset, I can see the spark of God in every soul I meet, including those who choose a different celebration of the rich, full life that comes from the knowledge of the Divinity. God is in all of us, and it is not my place to judge a person’s path to understanding any more than I want them to judge mine. My commission is to love them as I find them

I am a Christian. That is the label of my faith, and its teachings are the foundation of my living. The first commandment: Love the Lord your God with all your heart. The second: Love your neighbor as yourself. Simple, direct, uncompromising. (Also may I add, judge not that you not be judged. You can’t live the second law if you don’t live this one.)

And so with this post, I have spent the morning focused on the beauty and wonder and goodness all around me. Let me add to that the appreciation of my greatest blessings: my husband, my sons and their wives, my granddaughters, my sister, my friends. I am thankful for the family that bore me and loved me in spite of all the challenges they faced. I am grateful to have been born in Tennessee–a place of incredible natural beauty, which remains to this day unspoiled in the face of urbanization and development. I am grateful to be retired in this Oldfield neighborhood with its commitment to the value of all living things.

Mom, I surrender the hope of leading you to the light, but I must break loose of the bindings with which you anchor me in the darkness. Where you sow the seeds of anger and hatred and bitterness, l have to plant fields of love and joy and gratitude. For those who are crushed by your harsh judgments and bitter divisions, I need to be a source of comfort and unity.

Your determination to eradicate all the happiness and love from life is strong, but fortunately the resilience of the human heart is stronger.