A Full Heart

My heart is so full of so many things today that it is hard to pick one to write about.

My mother’s story is winding down.  While she is not dying exactly, she has a lot of health problems, and she is getting tired of fighting them. She is readying herself for the end of her days, but today is a good day and my sister is with her.  For today we are in a happy place.

My sons were home last weekend, both to see my mother and to have our family all together to celebrate Brian’s 21st birthday.  Now they are gone, Kevin back to New Hampshire to continue working on his Master’s thesis, and Brian to Spain for study abroad. Though I am lonely for them, I am also so proud of them and the men they have become.

Brian has been committed to health and fitness since he graduated high school three years ago. Now he is helping me as my personal trainer, guiding me with diet and exercise to a healthier way of living. With him in Spain, my husband has taken over holding me accountable and so, though I was somewhat dejected from a rough day with my mother yesterday, I went out to walk anyway, knowing I would have to answer to both of them if I didn’t.  Now I feel better, more at peace. As Elle Woods says in Legally Blond, “Exercise gives you endorphins.  Endorphins make you happy.”

I still do not have a job for next year, and yet the new principal has promised me that I will. Thanks to the endorphins, right now I believe that she will come through, even though I am anxious about it most of the time.  Not that she isn’t being honest with her intentions, she is, but I am afraid that whatever position she intends for me will evaporate before we get there.  She’ll say that she’s so sorry, and I do believe she will be, but I will still be unemployed.  Can’t think of that now, I just have to trust that everything will work out.

I had an interesting epiphany–revelation?–maybe just a thought?–about my husband when I was out walking today.  I know that people often say that the passion of your early years together gives way to a stronger love that comes with being comfortable together and sharing a history.  That is certainly the case, and yet there is so much more to the story. We’re married 32 years this week, and what I am finding is that as our family falls away, and we are left more and more with only each other, I am almost desperate to be with him. Don’t get me wrong–I am happy to be alone during the day, to have time to write, run errands and see my friends, but all of that is done with the expectation that he will be home at night.  As we begin to plan our retirement, we have something our parents never had (both his and mine are/were divorced).  We are going into it together, and we are planning what we are going to do with our time, not just mine or his. As much as I miss the boys–and I do miss them a lot, we both do–there is a kind of excitement in seeing what the next phase in our life is going to bring.

While I was cooling down from my walk (it is really hot here in Georgia right now), I was lucky to find the movie The Secret Garden on cable. I love this story and will write more about the movie in a later post, but for now what is important is that it gives me peace and makes me ready to write.  It reminds me that I want to make people feel the way it makes me feel–that the world is a good and beautiful place.  The is why I write romance–so that I can give every story a happy ending.

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